Three days after Mila turned one, she decided she was done with breastfeeding. 

As in, refused to latch, pointblank, period. As in, turned her head AWAY from me - her mama, for the first time in 368 days. Basically she told me she's a big girl, done with my breasts, and ready to apply to uni across the country. Ok ok, so I'm being a bit dramatic. But in all honesty, I was completely devastated.

I was certainly way more emotionally prepared for her first birthday, than this. No one had warned me; I wasn't given a heads up, nor a countdown. I just didn't see it coming. Of course my initial reaction was that it must be something else - maybe it was the molars, maybe it was an ear infection, maybe her tummy was upset or my milk had a different taste. But in a weird way, I knew. I felt like part of who I was as a mother was being taken from me. Like I was being robbed of something that was so special to me. I was sad; I was feeling more emotional and sensitive than I had felt when Mila was first born. I wasn't ready.

Over the next week I would continue to offer it to her, only to get turned away, repeatedly. What was worse, was that her naps were all thrown off because we had relied on pre-nap feeds to help her fall asleep. No naps meant a cranky baby, and a cranky and emotionally distraught mama. I cried. A lot. My husband tried to make me feel better. He told me it wasn't personal, that Mila was ready, and that it would be OK. I knew he was right on all fronts, but I also felt like he couldn't possibly understand what I was feeling. As the days went on I started reflecting on the last month or two and I realized that there had been warnings and signs, all along. Mila's feeds had become shorter and less frequent. She had started biting more frequently (hello 8 teeth!) upon latching, and her appetite for food had also grown significantly. In retrospect, it all added up and made sense. It had come as such a huge surprise because I just hadn't done the math correctly.

I shared my feelings and my sadness about it all with my mom, my close friends, and with the moms in Mila's music class. Every time I shared, and every time I heard sympathetic and compassionate sentiments, I felt just a little bit better. And as a side note, a big thank you to all the mamas out there who are so supportive to other mamas, regardless of how close you are. Mamas everywhere just seem to get it, and are always willing to help another mama out. This makes the challenges so much easier to get through.

Nearly a month has gone by, and I finally understand that it wasn't about me being ready. Mila was obviously ready, and it had nothing to do with me. I'm happy she weaned herself on her own terms, and grateful that we managed to make it a full year. Our bond is strong, and it'll continue to grow stronger still.

Dear Mila,

Tomorrow you will be one.

It's hard to believe that exactly one year ago, you began your journey to join us and make us a happy family of three (plus Lexi). Sure I expected that life would change, but little did I know that I would also change; that I'd learn so much from such a tiny being, and that I was about to experience the greatest, most overwhelming love there is.

The last few days have been extra slow in our house. Lots of snuggles, drawn out wake-ups in bed, and thanks to the beautiful weather - lots of backyard picnics, with you crawling all over me, or flying high on my knees. One thought keeps crossing my mind over and over again: my heart beats for you, sweet girl.

When I close my eyes and think about this past year, I can't help but smile. My fondest memories aren't the big events - not the visits, not the big outings, not even the 'firsts.' The moments that stand out the most in my heart are the simplest ones. Me and you, laying side by side with the sunlight streaming in, looking at each other, singing, giggling, tickling, reading and telling stories. This past year has been so delightfully slow and perfect. The sleepless nights, the anxieties, and the challenges of the beginning seem to be so insignificant and are already so hard to remember.

It is an absolute joy and honour being your Mama and watching you grow. And so tomorrow, there is only room for celebrating and expressing gratitude. My birthday wish for you, Baby Bird, is that you continue to be happy and healthy, and that you always know you are deeply loved. May your personality continue to flourish without reservation or fear. May you continue to be loving, affectionate and curious. We love you more than you will ever know.

Love Always,
Your Mama.

Happy Mother's Day!

I know this day is difficult for many - those who are yearning to become mamas, those who are grieving their babies, those who are missing their own mamas, or have strained relationships with mamas or children. My heart goes out to those who struggle on days like today. 

This is my first Mother's Day. My heart is so full - not just because I'm a mama, but also because I truly understand now, what my own mom has given me. Unconditional love, support, understanding, and endless sacrifices to ensure a better life for me. I'll never be able to thank her enough. I am definitely cut from my mom's cloth -- I see so much of her in myself now that I have a babe of my own to raise. My mom's resourcefulness, patience, calm, and love of handmade are now some of my own best traits; she taught me to appreciate simple things and to focus on what's truly important in life. Although my mom is pragmatic, she is always hopeful; in times of hardship she always said, "bedzie dobrze,"  -- which translates to "it'll all turn out well" and she was usually right. 

And because I want to remember my first Mother's Day forever, here's a recap of the day:

My day today was simple and perfect. I was served coffee and blueberry pancakes with homemade lemon curd for breakfast (NOT in bed because a crumb-filled bed is not my idea of awesome), followed by M going down for a fantastic morning nap. I got to put my feet up and relax while hubby prepped a cake for our family BBQ later that day. When M woke, we went to the waterfront for a stroll, paired with my all-time fav coffee and apple fritter from our local doughnut shop. M was a monkey and stuck her hand in the doughnut bag and had a little nibble before we even realized what was happening! It was adorable and so sweet...literally. Haha! We came home for another nap, and hubby and I got to hang while M snoozed. Later that day we had a family BBQ and got to celebrate together. A nailed the cake as usual, (an almond-rhubarb cake with cream cheese icing), and it was a lovely way to end the day. 

People can tell you all they want, but I never knew what it would mean to be a mom... I never could have imagined that this role would be so fulfilling, so all-encompassing; that it would teach me so many things - about myself, my partner, and life; that it would bring the most intense, gut-wrenching, heart-bursting type of love into my life. And that it would be exactly what I've always wanted. The best gift ever, was being given the title of Mama. It's an honour and privilege that I don't take lightly, and one that I don't ever take for granted. Watching and guiding our baby's growth is such a joy, and I am oh so grateful to be a witness to all the wonder she discovers daily. Childhood truly is magical, and becoming a Mama means getting another chance to experience it all over again.

Children are inherently curious and drawn to nature from a very early age. Like most babies, toddlers, and children I know and have taught, windows are a huge point of interest. Windows give way to so much fascination, curiosity, and wonder. In fact, when I taught in a Full Day Kindergarten classroom, one of our classroom windows was called the 'Wonder Window' - complete with a special frame the children made to make it even more inviting and wonder-full. Children can look and gaze out the window for long periods of time - there is so much to notice and see, regardless of whether you have a nature, cityscape, or even a parking lot view.

Mila's current age of 10 months (umm, when did that happen!?), seems to be bringing new daily development. She is so actively engaging with the world around her: noticing animals, fascinated with our dog and especially her eyes, turning pages of books, crawling to what she wants to explore, feeding herself, opening and closing cupboards and containers. The list goes on and on. It's a wonder for me too, as I get the privilege of witnessing it all, moment by moment. I love seeing her eyes light up, or her brow furrow in confusion or frustration, and hearing her voice mimicking our sounds and words. It's these 'little' moments that I want to capture forever --   but even taking a picture seems inadequate; a photograph is insufficient in truly capturing the feel, the love, the magic of these moments.

A month ago I hung some faceted crystal spheres in the window of our main living space, with some nylon thread. At first, my intention was simply to capture her interest in the crystals - they twirl and sparkle, and are absolutely beautiful. However we quickly discovered that they would bring us so much more wonder...



Everyday in the late afternoon the sun comes pouring in, and the crystals cast mini dancing rainbows all over our room. Or, using the scientific explanation, we see the colour spectrum thanks to the crystal's refraction of light. No matter how you word it, it's beautiful and magical, and engages Mila's curiosity immediately. She does her little hand flip and makes her "oh!" gasp sound whenever she notices the rainbows, and then of course, wants to catch them.

On my birthday last week, we were standing near the window together -- Mila was in my arms, as I watered our window plants. All of a sudden, I noticed that instead of looking at the plants (which she also enjoys), or looking out the window, I felt her studying my face intently. I quickly realized the rainbows must be on my face. I stood as still as I could, as she brought both hands up to my face - she was finally close enough to 'touch' the pretty lights! I watched her, looking at my face in wonder, and I found myself desperately wishing the moment would last forever. Or at the very least, for a little longer than a minute or two. That moment was magic, for both of us.

Today marks 7 months of being at home, raising our darling, sweet baby. It also marks my (almost) halfway point of maternity leave.

Dearest Mila,

It's never too early to start this important conversation, right? Can you believe that this year women have officially had the right to vote (in Ontario) for exactly a century? What's even more astonishing, is that as late as the 1950s it was still widely considered to be completely inappropriate and shocking for a woman to have a career, or to travel the world - alone. We have certainly come a long way, but it's an important conversation to continue. My hope is that Mila never feels like she's at a disadvantage because she is female, and that instead, it makes her feel empowered.

My darling Mila,