Three days after Mila turned one, she decided she was done with breastfeeding. 

As in, refused to latch, pointblank, period. As in, turned her head AWAY from me - her mama, for the first time in 368 days. Basically she told me she's a big girl, done with my breasts, and ready to apply to uni across the country. Ok ok, so I'm being a bit dramatic. But in all honesty, I was completely devastated.

I was certainly way more emotionally prepared for her first birthday, than this. No one had warned me; I wasn't given a heads up, nor a countdown. I just didn't see it coming. Of course my initial reaction was that it must be something else - maybe it was the molars, maybe it was an ear infection, maybe her tummy was upset or my milk had a different taste. But in a weird way, I knew. I felt like part of who I was as a mother was being taken from me. Like I was being robbed of something that was so special to me. I was sad; I was feeling more emotional and sensitive than I had felt when Mila was first born. I wasn't ready.

Over the next week I would continue to offer it to her, only to get turned away, repeatedly. What was worse, was that her naps were all thrown off because we had relied on pre-nap feeds to help her fall asleep. No naps meant a cranky baby, and a cranky and emotionally distraught mama. I cried. A lot. My husband tried to make me feel better. He told me it wasn't personal, that Mila was ready, and that it would be OK. I knew he was right on all fronts, but I also felt like he couldn't possibly understand what I was feeling. As the days went on I started reflecting on the last month or two and I realized that there had been warnings and signs, all along. Mila's feeds had become shorter and less frequent. She had started biting more frequently (hello 8 teeth!) upon latching, and her appetite for food had also grown significantly. In retrospect, it all added up and made sense. It had come as such a huge surprise because I just hadn't done the math correctly.

I shared my feelings and my sadness about it all with my mom, my close friends, and with the moms in Mila's music class. Every time I shared, and every time I heard sympathetic and compassionate sentiments, I felt just a little bit better. And as a side note, a big thank you to all the mamas out there who are so supportive to other mamas, regardless of how close you are. Mamas everywhere just seem to get it, and are always willing to help another mama out. This makes the challenges so much easier to get through.

Nearly a month has gone by, and I finally understand that it wasn't about me being ready. Mila was obviously ready, and it had nothing to do with me. I'm happy she weaned herself on her own terms, and grateful that we managed to make it a full year. Our bond is strong, and it'll continue to grow stronger still.

Dear Mila,

Tomorrow you will be one.

It's hard to believe that exactly one year ago, you began your journey to join us and make us a happy family of three (plus Lexi). Sure I expected that life would change, but little did I know that I would also change; that I'd learn so much from such a tiny being, and that I was about to experience the greatest, most overwhelming love there is.

The last few days have been extra slow in our house. Lots of snuggles, drawn out wake-ups in bed, and thanks to the beautiful weather - lots of backyard picnics, with you crawling all over me, or flying high on my knees. One thought keeps crossing my mind over and over again: my heart beats for you, sweet girl.

When I close my eyes and think about this past year, I can't help but smile. My fondest memories aren't the big events - not the visits, not the big outings, not even the 'firsts.' The moments that stand out the most in my heart are the simplest ones. Me and you, laying side by side with the sunlight streaming in, looking at each other, singing, giggling, tickling, reading and telling stories. This past year has been so delightfully slow and perfect. The sleepless nights, the anxieties, and the challenges of the beginning seem to be so insignificant and are already so hard to remember.

It is an absolute joy and honour being your Mama and watching you grow. And so tomorrow, there is only room for celebrating and expressing gratitude. My birthday wish for you, Baby Bird, is that you continue to be happy and healthy, and that you always know you are deeply loved. May your personality continue to flourish without reservation or fear. May you continue to be loving, affectionate and curious. We love you more than you will ever know.

Love Always,
Your Mama.

Today marks 7 months of being at home, raising our darling, sweet baby. It also marks my (almost) halfway point of maternity leave.

Dearest Mila,